A Normal Day in Tortall
by Cherrio
Summary: *CHPT. 2* Onua builds a time machine to transport her and Daine to a modern day world to find novacaine so they can get the Headless Horseman's brain back. R/R!
1. Cleon and the Brain

A Normal Day in Tortall

By Chameleon

Disclaimer: For goodness' sake people, did you really think that I own these characters? They were invented by the fantasy genius Tamora Pierce. 

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It was a normal day in Tortall. Cleon woke up and stared at the sun until he couldn't see. Then he walked into a wall. Yep, it was normal indeed. 

In the Rider's Mess, Onua was trying to make herself choke. "Onua, what are you doing?" asked Daine. Onua glared at her.

"Gag me with a spoon." 

"Right."

"Greetings, ladies." Cleon plopped down on a stool next to Daine. She kicked him. He fell off the stool. His head made an interesting cracking sound as he hit the cement floor. 

"Ouch. That would hurt," Onua commented. Daine grinned. 

"Let's see what his brain looks like!" Onua gaped at her. 

"You're kidding, right?"

"No. Aren't you even curious?" 

"Well, a little," Onua admitted. Both women grinned evilly. They looked down at Cleon, who was temporarily unconscious. 

"Brain surgery!" they yelled. 

"Go get a dagger, Daine," Onua commanded. Daine reappeared a few minutes later with a freshly sharpened dagger from Raven Armory.

"Better do this right," she commented at Onua's questioning glance. "You hold his head." Daine carved a small amount of Cleon's scalp away. "It's empty!" Onua shook her head in disbelief. 

"What?"

"I said, it's empty!" 

"He doesn't have a brain?"

"He doesn't have a brain!" Daine did a happy dance. "Wait until everybody hears! Cleon doesn't have a brain! CLEON DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN!" 

Kel, who happened to be at another table, heard. "What?" 

"CLEON DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN!" Kel looked down at her plate. A big pink thing that she was sure hadn't been there before was lying on her plate. It was Cleon's brain. 

"Uh, Daine, I think I found Cleon's brain." Onua looked at Daine accusingly.

"I thought you said he didn't have one!" 

"He didn't! I mean, doesn't. I mean didn't." 

Kel thought this a good time to intervene. "You're not making any sense. Why don't you just put his brain back in, and no one will know what happened." She picked it up with salad tongs and carried it over to their table.

"Disgusting! It has salad dressing on it!" 

"It doesn't make any difference," Kel said. "Just put his brain back in!" 

"No! Clean it off first!" Onua stared at the brain in horror.

''I'm not touching it!" Daine squealed.

"Neither am I!" Kel looked at all of them in disgust. "I'm a noble!" 

"Social status does not matter during brain surgery," Onua said dryly. Kel glared at her.

"Let's just… not put his brain back in." Kel shook her head at Daine's suggestion. 

"No. I'll do it. Give me the salad tongs and find some superglue. Let's do this the right way," Kel commanded. Onua chose not to comment that performing brain surgery with tongs and glue might not be classified as the "right" way. Kel pushed Cleon's brain back into his head where it belonged, and patched up the hole in his head with superglue. It wasn't long before Cleon woke up. 

"I feel smart!" he sad happily. No one said anything. Suddenly the headless horseman rode through the door. 

"Has anyone seen my brain?" he thundered. Onua, Daine and Kel exchanged glances. 

"Uh oh…" 


	2. Onua and the Time Machine

A Normal Day In Tortall, Chapter II

By Cherrio

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this story. I am not making money off them, and however much I may dream about owning the characters I never will. 

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"Daine. Daine! Wake up." Daine groggily woke to a soft, barely audible knock on her door and Onua's voice raised just above a whisper. She groaned and fell off the bed with a loud thud. Half blind, Daine stumbled to the door to let a freshly bathed, alert, and wide awake Onua into her room.

Daine was more than just annoyed. "What brings you here at this unearthly hour?" she hissed. Onua grinned, and handed her a jug of water and an apple.

"It's nice to see you too," she announced, wry. "I must say, Alanna did mention your wonderful morning cheerfulness." In a more businesslike tone, she added, "We have to get the Headless Horseman's brain back before anyone notices. We're going to be in soooooo much trouble! Lord Wyldon is just going to kill us!" Daine ignored this. 

"Where is Kel, may I ask?" Onua looked slightly guilty. 

"She's in a coma. I believe a tall, lanky someone threw a brick at her for disrupting one of his experiments. She nearly died. Numair is under arrest for manslaughter because he claims it was an accident…come on." Onua grabbed Daine's arm and pulled her out the door. 

Once at Cleon's rooms, Daine pulled Onua aside. "How are we going to do this, exactly? He'll wake up, and, and, and scream. He'll wake the whole castle. We'll be charged for murder, we'll…" Onua cut her off.

"Shush. I constructed a handy dandy time machine to travel into the future to steal novacaine from a modern dental office. Everything will be just fine." Daine shook her head. 

"I'm not sure I like this plan…" 

Onua snapped her fingers, and a shiny metal contraption appeared on the floor in front of them. "Climb in," she instructed. Daine failed to notice the odd gleam in her friend's eyes. With an odd rushing sound, a flash of pink light, and an evil smelling puff of green smoke later, Daine and Onua appeared in a strange city with tall buildings and neon signs flashing in the darkness of a deserted alleyway. Onua looked around. "Well, we were supposed to end up in a dentist's office, but… well, never mind. We'll just ask some people for directions. Maybe. But seeming as to how we're dressed…" She gestured to Daine's pink bunny slippers and to her own blue fluffy demented ninja pajamas. "We'll figure something out." 

After an hour or two of walking, they came upon a neon sign flashing: PEABODY'S DENTAL CLINIC: DR. AUSTIN PAYNE, M.D, DR. PETER PEABODY, M.D. TEETH MAKE THE SMILE! 

"Tell me we're there," Daine moaned. The time machine seemed to get heavier every step they took. Onua grinned. 

"Don't worry," she commented. "We're there." 

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This story is no longer classified as "humor." So don't flame me if it's not funny. Anyway, I found a plot for the story, and (hopefully) I will be updating more quickly. 

Review and tell me what you think! 


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